Sunday, January 11, 2015
Where Did You Go????
My first WyoCowgirl post was on May 29, 2011 and titled "New Beginning". So much has happened since I wrote that post...and most I've shared with you. My last post "Famous Last Words" (over a year ago) hinted that things may be changing. I wasn't sure what was coming, when it was happening, or where I was headed and I still don't completely. For now, however, I'm not going to worry about it. I'm trying something very new for me...enjoy what I have "NOW".
I'll catch you up.
In the beginning of 2014, as in the beginning of every New Year, I began evaluating what I'd been through, what I hoped for, what I was missing, and what my dreams were. I had left Florida 3 years earlier with this grand dream that I wanted to fulfill for Sara. I was closer in proximity but farther away than ever. I think that started to show in "Famous Last Words" and why I've been silent since.
I became this "Brave, Strong, Woman" in so many people's eyes but inside I was terrified. Terrified of failure, terrified of not being able to financially and physically handle things, but most of all terrified of doing it (or not doing it) all alone.
The first 6 months I was in Cheyenne I lived on a friends ranch near Santa Sara. I saw it as a perfect opportunity to get a feel for the journey I was about to embark on. A VERY wise move! I am not saying I'M wise, far from it, but as usual SOMEONE GREATER put me in the right place at the right time. I've been very lucky that way. My friend, riding instructor, and mentor helped me in more ways than she can imagine. Most of what I learned, while there, I didn't even realize until I began to do some reflecting and considering my options after my accident.
THINGS I DISCOVERED..."KIND OF KNEW"...BUT GLAZED OVER IT WITH THE FANTASY OF IT ALL...
#1: It's extremely hard work even with help.
#2: You are 30 miles from town and need to be a bit of a "do it yourselfer" or pay an arm and a leg to call for assistance.
#3: Winters are hard!!!! Wind makes it worse!
#4: If you have a bunch of "critters" prepare to NEVER LEAVE.
#5: (Came up in a "girl talk" when I lived there about dating) "You have to want it enough to be willing to do it alone."
Number 5 was the kicker for me. "It's impossible" she said "to find someone who's willing to live someone else's dream, in the middle of nowhere, on land you own, and give you their heart."
OMG, I hadn't thought of that but she was right!!! That was a sacrifice I wasn't willing to make.
I raised Sara ON MY OWN, I bought a house ON MY OWN, cars ON MY OWN, and I've always made money ON MY OWN. I was proud of all that I'd accomplished...ON...MY...OWN but I could not imagine living out the rest of my life...ON...MY...OWN. All those things I did ON MY OWN were really for US! (Sara and I) That's why they made me happy...I did it for US...I didn't want to give up the opportunity for a new US.
Hmmm...why is she telling us this a year later??? *Laughing to myself.
It took me that long to figure out what to do about it. Do I keep writing the "WyoCowgirl" blog??? I really hated to abandon it after 3 years. I think people enjoyed reading my musings. ;) I know I always liked writing them (even the hard ones). I've said "The hardest post for me to write was 'Famous Last Words'". I cried as I wrote it...but it's also my favorite. It cleared my mind, refreshed my soul, and it captured my relationship with Sara perfectly! I needed to write it....I still have things I need to write. So...the WyoCowgirl lives on!!! :)
I did, briefly, consider changing the name to "DeCoCowgirl" (Denver, CO Cowgirl...yep, that's where I'm living now...more on that later.) but decided to leave it for now. If I ever change the name I think "Gypsy Cowgirl" would be more accurate. Since leaving for college I've moved 10 times...always following my passion and my heart. My heart has crazy ideas sometimes but it's never done me wrong.
NOW you know why I'm telling you this a year later.
Finally...why I decided to do it today!
3 things this week got me thinking. My hairdresser, friends from Florida visiting, and "My New Year" starts in 13 days.
THE HAIRDRESSER: I had my second visit with my hairdresser since moving here. The topic of conversation at the first visit was about moving, what I did in Cheyenne, and the usual "arm question". Today's topic was how much weight I've lost since the last time she saw me and things I've done since moving here. Then...she said those words I hate to hear "You are a strong woman and such an inspiration". Yes, it sounds nice but this is what Christine (the psycho) hears. "You don't need anyone and don't let us down". I know, I know...I'm crazy...but "Dang it" sometimes I just want to be a woman with needs!!!!
FRIENDS FROM FLORIDA: I had a wonderful visit with friends from Florida I hadn't seen in 4 years. We met at Family Camp while their daughter Rebecca and Sara were going through cancer treatment. Sara and Rebecca were the same age, became very good friends, and so did we. We've all been through A LOT and it's nice to have friends that understand. While we were at lunch the subject of Santa Sara Ranch plans came up. I've had many ask but I usually just brush over it by saying "Plans are on hold for now". I told them what I just told you all...and about #5. It felt good to get it out without airbrushing the truth.
MY NEW YEAR: I decided I don't like the traditional New Year. Everyone starting resolutions on the same day. It kind of takes away some of the "specialness" of what I hope to accomplish. My New Year, I've decided, will begin on the 23rd...my ACTUAL New Year. :) (YIKES! 49!!!) It will also be my 5 month anniversary of moving to Denver. My NEW "New Beginning" and, most surely, not this Gypsies last.